12 Ways
by The Black Sun's Daughter
Summary: Stephen was never good with friends. So his sister made him a list to tell him just who his best friend really was.


Stephen was never good with friends, or with people in general, but his sister was. Audrina was the social butterfly of the family, but for all the friends that she had over the years, she always said that one girl was her best friend, Ami Bittern. They were around each other all the time, so much that they were known as Double A around town. He had never understood what made Ami so different than all her other friends, other than their spending a lot of time together, hadn't quite grasped the concept of 'best' friend.

"What the hell makes one friend better than another?" he'd finally asked when he was fifteen.

"Your best friend is _different_ than your other friends. Like Alexander and Hephaestion."

"Who?"

"Never mind. Here, sit down, I'll explain. You remember the film _E.T.?_ " she had asked, then went on once he'd nodded. "You know how E.T. and Elliott had this sort of connection to each other? E.T. got sick, Elliott got sick. Elliott gets drunk, E.T. gets a buzz on. Well, best friends are like that. You're the Elliott to their E.T. and vice versa. You just connect that way, and people on the outside don't get it. They're the government blokes in the hazmat suits."

That'd made somewhat sense to him. The next day, he'd found a list that Audrina had drawn up for him: 12 Ways to Know Someone's Your Best Friend. "Now you keep that on you at all times, you antisocial git. God knows you'll need it someday," she'd tell him, ruffling his hair in that good-natured big-sister way of hers.

And he had kept it. And he'd never met someone that met all 12 of Audrina's "checkpoints" to be called his best friend, not even Cutter. Some of them hadn't even made sense at first.

But then again, that was before he'd met Connor Temple.

* * *

 **12 Ways to Know Someone's Your Best Friend**

 **By Audrina Hart**

 **A Best Friend:**

 **1) Has you on speed dial**

"Hello?"

 _"_ _Hey, Stephen. Uhm…are you busy at the moment?"_

"No, not really…. Connor, what was that noise?"

 _"_ _Before I answer that, lemme ask you this. How angry would you be if I told you that I went to an anomaly site before the rest of the team got there, and now I'm sitting up a tree with a very hungry raptor lookin' at me like I'm dino-kibble?"_

 **2) Never bails you out of jail (because they're in there with you)**

"I think that might've been the stupidest thing we've ever done, Conn."

"No, _that_ was fucking _awesome._ We are _so_ doing that again sometime. Just, y'know, without the getting-caught part. Think Lester will bail us out?"

"Dunno. Probably. You'll have a hell of a time explaining that black eye to Abby, though."

"Yeah…. Hey, Stephen, where the hell's your other shoe?"

"Honestly? Haven't the foggiest."

"Wicked."

 **3) Helps themselves to whatever and is the reason you're always out of stuff**

"Connor, did you eat the rest of my curry?"

"I ate the leftovers that were in there."

"You bugger, that was mine!"

"Well, it didn't have your name on it, now did it?"

 **4) Walks right in**

"Did…did you get in through the front door?"

"No, Stephen, I Spider-Manned my way up the side of the building and came through the window. _Yes_ , I came in through the front door, you git."

"Connor, my front door's _locked!"_

"I know, it's so cute you still do that."

"Dammit, Temple! I'm changing the bloody locks."

"Never stopped me before."

 **5) Knows not to tell**

"Helen was _here?"_

"Yeah, she was."

"Oh, God, Stephen, please tell me you didn't…"

"No! No, but…what do I do now? Cutter…"

"Needs to know. It'll be worse coming from Helen."

"Conn…are you going to…?"

"No, I'm not telling him or anyone else…but I _will_ stand with you when you do."

 **6) Says "get your arse off the floor" when you fall**

"C'mon, Stephen, quit faking."

"Faking? I've got eight stitches, Temple!"

"Eight? Oh, poor baby. Should I drive you home and tuck you in?"

"Shut up and give me my rifle."

"That's what I thought."

 **7) Could write an embarrassing biography about you**

"Stephen, I need your help. Don't ask me how, but Rex managed to get into the air vents. I need to catch him before Abby gets home."

"Why should I help you? He's _your_ pet."

"Because...erm, well, because..."

"That's what I thought."

"Because...if you don't...I'll just have to tell everyone what happened to you at St. Christopher's."

"You wouldn't dare."

"I might buckle under duress if Abby decides to take it out on me when she comes home to no Rex."

"Low blow, Temple. Low blow. Oh, fine, you bugger. C'mon."

 **8) Calls at 2 in the morning**

"What are you calling me for? It's late enough to be early, Connor."

 _"_ _Because you have a concussion and aren't allowed to go to sleep for the next eight hours, that's why. See, unlike you, I actually_ listened _to Palmer when she was talking."_

"Oh, really? Is that why she had to put new staples in your arm after you tore them? Because you were listening to her?"

 _"_ _Bite me, Hart. Now there's a late showing of the new Star Trek film, and I'm buying. You wanna go or not?"_

"Lemme get my coat. Which theatre is it?"

 **9) Loses your shit and doesn't apologise**

"Connor...where's my knife?"

"Knife?"

"Yes, Temple, my knife, my very expensive hunting knife that I gave you not twenty minutes ago."

"Uhm..."

"You lost it, didn't you?"

"There was a very angry juvenile Therizinosaurus trying to peck me to death!"

"Do you know how much that knife cost, Temple?"

"Definitely not more than _me,_ that's for certain."

 **10) Will kick the arse of the crowd that left you**

"It takes two to tango, Cutter, so quit puttin' all the blame on Stephen and try lookin' at Helen for a change!"

 **11) Will kick _your_ arse too if you need it**

"Oi, Hart, open up!"

"What is it, Temple? Didn't you get the memo? I'm off the team."

"Yeah, well, lucky for you, you've got me. I've gotten Cutter in a mood to forgive you, the rest's up to you. Now quit sulking and let's go. We've got work to do."

 **12) Is always there when you need them the most**

"Ow! Jesus, what – _ow,_ stop that! Geroff! Ouch, damn it, quit – _ouch!"_

"What the bloody hell are you _thinking!?_ What were you gonna do, just lock yourself in there and let them _eat_ you?! Move over, stupid arse, lemme see those controls…"

 **P.S. If you do ever find your own E.T., you'd better not lose him, or I'll beat you up myself. And you can't hit me back, either. I'm a girl, and I'm not above telling Mummy on you.**

 **—** **Love, Audrina**

* * *

Stephen looked down at the faded ink, smiling as he read her familiar lilted handwriting, even though by now he knew every word by heart. He glanced down the sofa at Connor, the young man slumped over with one arm tucked under his head like a pillow, hat askew, snoring softly. Silently, he folded the paper into fourths, slid it back in his shirt pocket, and switched off the match. He'd get the score tomorrow. Pulling the blanket off the back of the sofa, he stood up and covered Connor with it before padding barefoot to his own bedroom.

There was a drowsy snuffling from the sofa, followed by a soft, "G'night, Stephen."

"Goodnight, Connor."

 _And thank you, Audrina._


End file.
